“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers
AboutTherapy
Many of our present day issues stem from beliefs developed in childhood about ourselves and others. They may be around how trust worthy others are, how well our needs will be met or how deserving we believe ourselves to be. We develop defence mechanisms and coping strategies to protect ourselves from the emotional pain and anxiety that some of these beliefs cause. These beliefs and behaviours are an attempt to adapt to our family environment and they become the lens through which we respond to and expect to be treated in the outside world. We are not consciously aware of these adaptations, that we created so early in life, it's just "the way things are" and so we carry the same behaviours and beliefs into our adult lives. Although these strategies may have worked well to keep us safe as children, as adults they are often detrimental and can keep us away from the very thing that we require in order to heal and that is relationship. Therapy provides an opportunity to make these beliefs conscious and to get curious about the circumstances that made them necessary. Thanks to brain plasticity, through the corrective experiences that therapy can provide, we can change old limiting beliefs into ones that serve us better.
A bit about trauma
Trauma can happen in two ways, through commission or omission (or a combination of both). Commission is when something that should not have happened, happens to us, such as an accident, assault or a disaster. These events are explicit and may be more easily put into words.
Omission is when something that should happen for us to develop into a happy healthy human, does not happen. It is a missing experience. Omission is harder to put into words as, we cannot know what we didn't get. You may just sense that something is wrong, but not know what. So, trauma is not always an explicit event, it can also be small repeated experiences, such as being mis-attuned to or not having all of our emotions/needs welcomed or soothed. In therapy we can identify and make sense of these blindspots. We can then find ways to fill in some of the missing experiences.
Inner Critic
A healthy inner critic encourages us to follow rules and gain acceptance . It tries to keep us safe, by reminding us what not to do. But an over active, hostile inner critic leads to self-hate, self-disgust and self-abandonment. We were not born with this voice, it may be the internalised voice of a disciplinarian or bully, that we now use to bully ourselves.In therapy we can find ways to make this voice work for us, not against us.
Anxiety
Healthy anxiety tells us that
we care about something and it can motivate us to act (like the anxiety of a deadline). But when anxiety becomes overwhelming we cannot access our logical brain, we become confused and panicked and this can leave us paralysed and unable to act. When anxiety gets out of hand its urge to stay safe can lead to us living a minimised existence. Anything worth doing will come with anxiety and therapy can teach us ways to approach rather than avoid.
Self-Esteem
If those around us growing up, treat us with delight, then we come to believe we are delightful. We then expect this treatment from others. Equally, if we have been treated with anger or dismissal we think we are deserving of this treatment. and we expect everyone to perceive us this way. In reality caregivers might have been struggling with their own issues and their lack of connection was due to this rather than as a response to us. Therapy is an opportunity to rebuild our self-worth from an adult perspective.
Relationships
Traumas happens within relationship, so it follows that healing must also be done within relationship. We are particularly vulnerable in intimate relationships as old attachment wounds may resurface. If we learn to do relationship in a conscious way then this resurfacing can provide an opportunity for healing and the breaking old patterns. In therapy we can identify and change unhelpful patterns
Depression
It is appropriate to feel sad after loss or disappointment. Feeling sad lets us know that we need to retreat and heal or that we need to reach-out for support. But if sadness is long-lasting and we no longer get pleasure from things we normally enjoy or we feel the urge to isolate then our sadness may be more deep-seated and not just in reaction to an event. Therapy lets us grieve and process our losses to help us get unstuck
Attachment Issues
Attachment styles form through interactions with our primary care-givers. They are how we have adapted to our earliest relationships. As adults our attachment wounds can be activated by our intimate relationships, depending on our partners attachment style. So, the idea that we have only one style of relating is mis-leading, as we can have different styles with different partners. The modelling of healthy relationship in therapy can help identify our style and allow us to find more healthy ways of relating.